How to Teach Kids Mental and Emotional Karate for Bullying

Most bullying prevention programs focus on getting kids to not do it to others and getting those doing it to stop. That's what is called an outside-in approach and it never stops all of it. We need to also take an inside-out approach and teach kids "mental and emotional karate". We need to teach them how to defend themselves against the verbal and physical blows of others just like some kids learn to defend themselves against the physical blows of others in real karate classes.

EditSteps

1. 
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   Teach kids to have an internal locus of control.

   • Most people have an external locus of control. They wrongly believe that what others say and do, and what happens makes them feel the way they do. That's not true. It needlessly puts them at the mercy of others and causes them to often feel worse than they need to. More importantly, it causes them to miss opportunities to feel better.
     
   • The real formula for feelings is: event + thoughts = feelings. What others say and do is just an event in the formula. It's what we choose to think about the events of our lives that really determines how we feel. Thoughts cause feelings, not events.
     
   • We all have a host of cognitive choices that we make all the time that determine how we feel. For example, how we choose to look at what happens, what meaning we attach to it, what we focus on, what we compare things to, what we imagine will happen next, and how much importance we attach to what does. No one can make these choices for us, unless we let them. People of all ages do that all the time, but with practice and rehearsal, we can take that power and control away from others.
     
   • Ultimately, we want to get kids to this place: "You can think or say whatever you want about me, but it's my choice how I look at myself, and how I feel about myself. And you don't get to make those choices for me, unless I let you. And I choose not to".
     
     • As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission".
     • Dr. Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, taught us that no one can get inside our head unless we let them. He summed up why by saying, "Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms - to choose one's own attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one's own way". It takes practice, but it's doable.
   • Of course, one of the best ways to teach kids to have an internal locus of control is to teach yourself to have one and model having one for them.
     
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   Teach kids to recognize their own and others irrational thinking.

   • Luckily, Dr. Albert Ellis developed a simple model for irrational thinking that is easy to teach to kids. He said that when we disturb ourselves needlessly, it's because we make demands of ourselves, others, and life. We awfulize about what is happening to us. We might tell ourselves we can't stand things we simply don't like; and label and condemn ourselves or others.
     
   • Demandiness - Everyone has the right to want whatever they want. However, when people start to demand things of themselves or others, it creates a needless bigger gap between their expectations and reality. This generates more emotion than is necessary or helpful.
     
     • A kid has a right to want other kids to leave him/her alone, but when that want becomes a demand, such as "They CAN'T keep doing this to me!" or "They HAVE TO leave me alone!", he/she is more likely to generate anger than frustration or irritation, which will either do no good to get others to stop, or cause him/her to do something stupid (i.e. bring a gun to school).
     • If a kid doesn't want to have to deal with such torment, that's understandable. If he/she does, he/she will be sad. However, if they demand that they not have to deal with such things (i.e. "I SHOULDN'T have to deal with this" or "This SHOULDN'T be happening to me") and he/she does have to deal with it, he/she will get depressed.
     • Demands often come in the form of a question, like "How dare they say that about me?" or "How could they treat others like that?"
   • Awfulizing - There are a lot of things that are unpleasant, inconvenient and uncomfortable in life. What people do is start to tell themselves it's awful, as in the worse possible thing that could happen to them. Being bullied is certainly not pleasant, comfortable or convenient, but we all know there are a lot worse things that can happen to kids.
     
   • Can't Stand It-itis - We all have a right to not like what happens, but people start to tell themselves they can't stand what is happening. If we truly couldn't stand something, we'd die or go crazy. Obviously, people say they can't stand a lot of things and don't. However, by telling themselves they can't stand things they simply don't like, they needlessly inflame themselves. That's why Dr. Ellis put the -itis suffix at the end of "can't stand it".
     
   • Label and Damning - Finally, we have a right to not like what we or others say and do. People start to label and damn themselves or others - to condemn the doer instead of the deed. It's called blatant over generalization because it's like calling an apple "bad" simply because it has a bruise, even though 90% of the apple is still just fine.
     
   • All these four types of irrational thinking play a role in bullying, both in the minds of those doing it, and those on the receiving end.
     
3. 
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   Teach kids how to correct irrational thinking.

   • One simple way is to ask "Is that a fact or just an opinion?" This is a simple way to teach kids to respond to the comments of others. The point being that what others say is just their opinion, and they are entitled to it, but we don't have to have the same opinion as theirs. We're entitled to our own. As noted above, it's our choice how we want to look at ourselves, or anything else. This simple notion when stated out loud can be very liberating.
     
   • There are a host of simple questions we can ask kids, and teach them to ask themselves.
     
     • For example, if their demand was "They can't do that to me", you'd ask "They can't, or you just don't like when they do?"
     • If their belief was "They have to leave me alone", you'd ask "They have to, or you just want them to?"
     • If they were awfulizing, you'd ask "Is it awful, or just unpleasant?".
     • If they were telling themselves "I can't stand when they do that to me", you'd ask "You can't stand it, or just don't like it?"
     • If they were label and damning themselves, i.e. "I'm stupid for letting them do that to me", you ask, "You're stupid, or just don't like not being able to get them to stop?" or "You're stupid, or just a fallible human being who struggles with others doing things like that to him/her like so many others do?"
     • One simple question a friend has started asking his 3 year old when she awfulizes is, "Sarah, big deal or little deal?" She's learning to respond "Little deal Daddy", and then gets on with her day.
   • When posing such questions, it helps to affirm their preference first, which means that you let them know that they have a right to want whatever they want, but just went too far by demanding it. Or, that they have a right to dislike whatever they want, but went too far when they started telling themselves it's awful, and they can't stand it, or labeled and damned either themselves or others.
     
     • For example, "I can understand why you don't like them doing that to you. I wouldn't like it either. I doubt anyone would. But why can't they do that to you?"
     • Or, "I agree that it's really unpleasant when people do what they did, but why is it awful? Is it awful or just unpleasant?"
   • We want asking these questions to be rehearsed and practiced so much that they become like spell check or grammar check on a computer.
     
   • When asked such questions, kids will typically start their answers with "Because...." Anything they say after that will be the wrong answer.
     
     • The only correct answers to a question like "Why can't they do that to you?" are unfortunately "They can, I just don't want them to" and/or "They can, I just don't like when they do"
   • When demands come in a form of a question, like "How dare they say that about me?", the answer unfortunately is "Easily!" It doesn't take a lot of effort or energy, or even creativity, to rip on someone else. It's easy. Teaching kids that the answer to such questions is always "Easily!" is another way to temper their demands, and get them to turn their cognitive and emotional thermostats down.
     
   • The Scientific Method is another approach to irrational thinking. We teach it in classes all over the world. So it's easy to tap into kids' prior knowledge of the process. Every thought we have or comment we make (or others have or make) is basically our theory or hypothesis about the way life is or should be. For example, "They shouldn't treat me like that" or "I can't stand when they do that to me". Does the evidence of everyday life support our theories or hypotheses, or perhaps refute them. Does it suggest an alternative and better theory or hypothesis?
     
     • The bigger the gap between our theories or hypotheses and reality, the more emotion we'll generate needlessly, and the poorer mental health we'll enjoy.
     • If someone's theory is "They shouldn't do that to me" and other kids are all the time, they're going to have a lot of unnecessary emotion - emotion that won't change anything
     • If they instead told themselves, "Unfortunately, other people can say and do whatever they want, regardless of how much I might not like it", their theory would be closer to reality, and they would still generate emotion, but frustration or sadness instead of anger or depression.
   • A final way to tone down demandiness is to have kids practice restating their demands as the wants, preferences, and desires they start out as. For example:
     
     • "They can't do that to me" becomes "I don't like when they do that to me", which a kid has every right to not like.
     • "They have to leave me alone" becomes "I'd like them to just leave me alone"
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   Teach kids to have USA or Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

   • Shame plays a much bigger role in kids behavior than most adults realize. Shame is what we feel when we believe that we don't live up to expectations in some way. Kids have all kinds of expectation on them and some put even more on themselves. Plenty of expectations means plenty of opportunities to feel shame.
     
     • There is often a background level of shame in most kids even before bullying occurs. That's true for both the bully and those being bullied.
     • A common way those being bullied will shame themselves is that they "should" on themselves for not being able to handle the bullying better on their own.
     • Shame also will cause them to keep what's happening a secret for that reason. Fearing that if others found out what was happening and how they were thinking and feeling, it would reflect badly on them. It will also make them less likely to seek or accept help that is available for the same reason.
     • Keeping secrets can be very dangerous because it allows those being bullied to rehearse and practice simple opinions about themselves, others and life to the point where they become so 'rutted" in their brains, and automatic, that those simple opinions start to feel like facts. For example, "This is awful. I can't take it anymore. They're never going to stop. Things are never going to get better". Such thoughts can easily start to be the "irrational logic" behind suicide ideation, or fantasies about getting even with those who are bullying them, i.e. school shootings.
   • The way to combat shame is to try to logically convince kids that whatever they think, feel, say, and do is understandable given their age, what's happening to them, and the fact that they're human.
     
     • For example, you might pose this question, "What do you think would happen if we put 100 other kids through exactly what is happening to you? Don't you think most would probably think and feel pretty much what you are?"
     • Or, "What do you think would happen if teachers had to put up with this kind of torment from their fellow teachers?"
     • You could follow with, "Is it possible that you might even be doing better than most others would, but just don't realize it?".
     • If they are struggling, you could also try to make the point that doing so is part of being human, and that there certainly not the first human being to have to deal with bullying and struggle to do so, and unfortunately probably won't be the last either.
5. 
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   Teach them the four basic options we all have whenever we don't like a situation we're in

   • Dr. Paul Hauck says we always have four basic options
     
     • Problem solve and assert yourself
     • Tolerate with disturbance
     • Tolerate without disturbance
     • Leave
   • It's important to point out that we get what we tolerate
     
     • If we tolerate others bad behavior, what reason do they have to change?
   • Normally, the best way to assert oneself is to use I Messages. However, with bullying that may not be the best way.
     
   • The best way for kids to assert themselves is to enlist the help of authorities like school personnel, or their parents
     
     • Shame and anxiety may get in the way of them doing so, and that may need to be dealt with separately with counseling.

Resource: wikihow.com